An Idle Mind Does Wander
It's been a not-so-great week. In fact, I'd say the past month or so has been a collection of peaks in a otherwise uneventful and monotonous life. If I was being honest with myself I'd admit that this has been going on for longer than a month. But I'm not being honest with myself because denial is always the easiest way of dealing with just about anything and I'm nothing if not easy. You know what I mean.
The highlight of the most recent past is my recent trip to Denver where I got to witness one of the most incredible things left to us in this world: Red Rocks Park. Right, and some great friends of mine got married also. In fact, two of my closest friends here in Houston and I had the honor of being part of the wedding. Someone has to park cars, right? Though were nice enough to let me be a groomsman and in an impromptu move on the Reverend's part I ended up holding a bucket of holy water for a good five minutes which I'm sure reverted back to plain tap water as soon as it touched my hands. I'm not saying I'm cursed but my relationship with God has had worse reception lately than my AT&T cellphone service. Actually, that's being nice about it but I'm not here to discuss my religious beliefs. I'll leave that for people holier than me with more desire to connect with an all powerful being. For now, I'll just wallow in my disbelief and wonder how any omnipotent being would allow the most watched sitcom on TV to star Charlie Sheen. I'm reading a book right now (which I'll save for another discussion) about God in general which raises a very good argument: despite the claim that God is all knowing and all powerful, it is logically flawed for the Almighty to actually be all knowing and all powerful. Discuss (and if you're curious as to why this "can't" be, ask me and I'll be happy to try to explain it).
The return from my trip to Denver was, to say the least, sorrowful. Not that anything particularly bad happened in Houston other than the fact that as soon as I stepped off the plane I was dismayed to realize that, in fact, my four day absence wasn't enough time for Houston to stop being a shit hole. Go figure. I've only been to Denver twice and I've loved it both times. That's not to say that I got that same gushy feeling of destiny like I did when I visited Boston for the first time in my adult life just prior to college graduation. But still, how can I not love a city that puts so much emphasis on conservation especially since everything surrounding the city (like the Rockies) begs you to not spend any actual time within the city? It's a city full of people who admire good health, good environment, and good beer. As a comparison, Houston's focus is on chicken fried steak, oil refineries, and Bud Light. As the Astros are used to hearing: strike three, you're out!
I've had my share of illnesses in my relatively short life, the most recent of which I won't bother going into since it really falls under the category of "chronic disease" and is none of your business. Unless I've already told you about it, then in that case, it is your business and I send my apologies for being so snippy (which is not a side effect of the disease and is only the result of me being confined to my apartment for the week...I'm getting to it). On Monday I left work at the normal time feeling like Death was taking up residence in my chest cavity. It was only until half way home (about 2.5 minutes into my 5 minute commute) where Death decided to finger that part of my brain that controls nausea like it was, well, something you'd finger because you like it. Never have I gotten sick so quickly (in recent memory) which, fortunately for me, had just about passed by morning though it's taken me all week to fully recover (almost there). I hate being sick because it confines me to my already too small apartment and it gives me a horrible, manic feeling, something I compare to being stuck in a really small and secluded dwelling, like a cabin, with a intense inner burning feeling, like a fever. Someone should come up with an expression for that...
Which brings me to today when I'm just about to crack because I realize how much I've been cramped up in my place and how secluded I've actually become and, surprise surprise, I really don't like that. It's a terrible feeling of loneliness that I would only wish upon my worst enemies. And Mitt Romney. I just don't like that guy. It all hit me while I was folding socks that had been sitting on my bedroom floor for at least a week and half, six of which had no apparent mate and would be forced to submit to a life of widowhood. As I'm wont to do while folding laundry, I started thinking of my upcoming annual review at work which, as we all know, if the ultimate test of worthiness is any corporate worker bee's life. Despite my high profile, super exciting job (sarcasm?) I too fit into this mold. What would my boss ask me? "So Dave, what do you think of your performance over this last year? What did you accomplish? What do you wish to accomplish over the next year? Blah blah blah blah blah...." It's the same questions every year though, admittedly, my answers have changed since I've been able to mature in my job since I began and I've experienced some great personal and professional growth. I'm grateful for that and I hope I've made that obvious in the past. However, I started wondering what I would say this year. Truth is, my position has just about run itself dry. On the large checklist of "things to do before I leave" there are only a handful of boxes that remain unchecked and an even smaller set that I know are even possible given the way my company and our contract work. What, then, is my incentive for continuing and what will I say to my boss when he asks me about my plans for the next year?
This really isn't a story about my annual review. I couldn't give a rat's ass about that because its role in my life is to determine if I get a raise of 3.2% or 3.4%. I'll survive either way. It's the bigger picture that gets me. I have no incentive to really exceed (other than that "personal satisfaction" garbage which is only great in the Land of Fairies and Lollipops...the corporate world has a way of minimizing the joy in it). In fact, the entire corporate structure is intended to keep the status quo and only allows for bouts of greatness in critical situations or when no one is really paying attention. What's so ironic about this is that so many of us trained for this, lived our lives in a manner that brought us to this very point, that we are prepared to doing nothing but great work and are stuck in a system which doesn't allow for it. I've always hated the question "what do you do?" because none of us should be defined by the work we do. Truth is, though, in an idea world what you do for work is what you love and is a large part of who you are. Ain't no shame in being defined that way. It's just criminal that too many of my peers, colleagues, and friends have inspirational creativity and intelligence and are not being given the tools or resources to take advantage of either.
I'm not asking for a world that rewards great work. I tend to believe that anything gained out of financial incentive is the work of an ulterior motive, however noble the creator may be. The accomplishments we make should be the result of nothing more than our desire to make the world better. We should break free from the desks that keep us from standing and be allowed to explorer. Each of us is capable of so much and if current conditions don't allow for the expansion our of minds then the only thing to do is change our current conditions. Life is not here for us to squander. Contentness is not good thing, for it makes us idle. We need to find our interests and run with them, failing or succeeding, it doesn't matter as long as we taste as much as we can before we no longer can.
It wasn't until I was folding that last set of socks, an overly worn set of argyle, that I realized all this talk of "we" and "us" should have been replaced with "I" and "me". I have no power over anyone else, just me. If I did, no one would wear socks with sandals and the word "desirement" would be outlawed. If I'm feeling like this then perhaps it is time for me to start making some changes. Leave Houston? In time; that trip is unavoidable. Baby steps, perhaps. Which direction those steps are in I have yet to determine but maybe, just maybe, it will be the curious mind that wanders. And that wouldn't be such a bad thing.
The highlight of the most recent past is my recent trip to Denver where I got to witness one of the most incredible things left to us in this world: Red Rocks Park. Right, and some great friends of mine got married also. In fact, two of my closest friends here in Houston and I had the honor of being part of the wedding. Someone has to park cars, right? Though were nice enough to let me be a groomsman and in an impromptu move on the Reverend's part I ended up holding a bucket of holy water for a good five minutes which I'm sure reverted back to plain tap water as soon as it touched my hands. I'm not saying I'm cursed but my relationship with God has had worse reception lately than my AT&T cellphone service. Actually, that's being nice about it but I'm not here to discuss my religious beliefs. I'll leave that for people holier than me with more desire to connect with an all powerful being. For now, I'll just wallow in my disbelief and wonder how any omnipotent being would allow the most watched sitcom on TV to star Charlie Sheen. I'm reading a book right now (which I'll save for another discussion) about God in general which raises a very good argument: despite the claim that God is all knowing and all powerful, it is logically flawed for the Almighty to actually be all knowing and all powerful. Discuss (and if you're curious as to why this "can't" be, ask me and I'll be happy to try to explain it).
The return from my trip to Denver was, to say the least, sorrowful. Not that anything particularly bad happened in Houston other than the fact that as soon as I stepped off the plane I was dismayed to realize that, in fact, my four day absence wasn't enough time for Houston to stop being a shit hole. Go figure. I've only been to Denver twice and I've loved it both times. That's not to say that I got that same gushy feeling of destiny like I did when I visited Boston for the first time in my adult life just prior to college graduation. But still, how can I not love a city that puts so much emphasis on conservation especially since everything surrounding the city (like the Rockies) begs you to not spend any actual time within the city? It's a city full of people who admire good health, good environment, and good beer. As a comparison, Houston's focus is on chicken fried steak, oil refineries, and Bud Light. As the Astros are used to hearing: strike three, you're out!
I've had my share of illnesses in my relatively short life, the most recent of which I won't bother going into since it really falls under the category of "chronic disease" and is none of your business. Unless I've already told you about it, then in that case, it is your business and I send my apologies for being so snippy (which is not a side effect of the disease and is only the result of me being confined to my apartment for the week...I'm getting to it). On Monday I left work at the normal time feeling like Death was taking up residence in my chest cavity. It was only until half way home (about 2.5 minutes into my 5 minute commute) where Death decided to finger that part of my brain that controls nausea like it was, well, something you'd finger because you like it. Never have I gotten sick so quickly (in recent memory) which, fortunately for me, had just about passed by morning though it's taken me all week to fully recover (almost there). I hate being sick because it confines me to my already too small apartment and it gives me a horrible, manic feeling, something I compare to being stuck in a really small and secluded dwelling, like a cabin, with a intense inner burning feeling, like a fever. Someone should come up with an expression for that...
Which brings me to today when I'm just about to crack because I realize how much I've been cramped up in my place and how secluded I've actually become and, surprise surprise, I really don't like that. It's a terrible feeling of loneliness that I would only wish upon my worst enemies. And Mitt Romney. I just don't like that guy. It all hit me while I was folding socks that had been sitting on my bedroom floor for at least a week and half, six of which had no apparent mate and would be forced to submit to a life of widowhood. As I'm wont to do while folding laundry, I started thinking of my upcoming annual review at work which, as we all know, if the ultimate test of worthiness is any corporate worker bee's life. Despite my high profile, super exciting job (sarcasm?) I too fit into this mold. What would my boss ask me? "So Dave, what do you think of your performance over this last year? What did you accomplish? What do you wish to accomplish over the next year? Blah blah blah blah blah...." It's the same questions every year though, admittedly, my answers have changed since I've been able to mature in my job since I began and I've experienced some great personal and professional growth. I'm grateful for that and I hope I've made that obvious in the past. However, I started wondering what I would say this year. Truth is, my position has just about run itself dry. On the large checklist of "things to do before I leave" there are only a handful of boxes that remain unchecked and an even smaller set that I know are even possible given the way my company and our contract work. What, then, is my incentive for continuing and what will I say to my boss when he asks me about my plans for the next year?
This really isn't a story about my annual review. I couldn't give a rat's ass about that because its role in my life is to determine if I get a raise of 3.2% or 3.4%. I'll survive either way. It's the bigger picture that gets me. I have no incentive to really exceed (other than that "personal satisfaction" garbage which is only great in the Land of Fairies and Lollipops...the corporate world has a way of minimizing the joy in it). In fact, the entire corporate structure is intended to keep the status quo and only allows for bouts of greatness in critical situations or when no one is really paying attention. What's so ironic about this is that so many of us trained for this, lived our lives in a manner that brought us to this very point, that we are prepared to doing nothing but great work and are stuck in a system which doesn't allow for it. I've always hated the question "what do you do?" because none of us should be defined by the work we do. Truth is, though, in an idea world what you do for work is what you love and is a large part of who you are. Ain't no shame in being defined that way. It's just criminal that too many of my peers, colleagues, and friends have inspirational creativity and intelligence and are not being given the tools or resources to take advantage of either.
I'm not asking for a world that rewards great work. I tend to believe that anything gained out of financial incentive is the work of an ulterior motive, however noble the creator may be. The accomplishments we make should be the result of nothing more than our desire to make the world better. We should break free from the desks that keep us from standing and be allowed to explorer. Each of us is capable of so much and if current conditions don't allow for the expansion our of minds then the only thing to do is change our current conditions. Life is not here for us to squander. Contentness is not good thing, for it makes us idle. We need to find our interests and run with them, failing or succeeding, it doesn't matter as long as we taste as much as we can before we no longer can.
It wasn't until I was folding that last set of socks, an overly worn set of argyle, that I realized all this talk of "we" and "us" should have been replaced with "I" and "me". I have no power over anyone else, just me. If I did, no one would wear socks with sandals and the word "desirement" would be outlawed. If I'm feeling like this then perhaps it is time for me to start making some changes. Leave Houston? In time; that trip is unavoidable. Baby steps, perhaps. Which direction those steps are in I have yet to determine but maybe, just maybe, it will be the curious mind that wanders. And that wouldn't be such a bad thing.
posted by The Rube at Friday, October 12, 2007
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