No Sleep For Me
At the sound of the tone the time will be: 5:05am.
Crap. I've been awake since 3. This never happens. I can usually fall asleep within minutes and not stop until my f'in alarm wakes me up in the morning (no doubt I could sleep a few more hours longer). Not tonight. Nope. I fell asleep around 9:30 on my couch, woke up a half an hour later to relocate to my bed and only managed to squeak another four hours of sleep. I hate nights like this. It's going to be a long, tired Friday.
I seem to have a lot on my mind tonight. A matter of personal reflection. It was another one of those "what makes me me" moments that have always had a tendency to crawl in my head and grab hold of the part of my brain which prevents me from sleeping and enjoying myself in general. Knowing who I am shouldn't be this difficult. I know who I don't want to be and I know who I would like to be in the future, but defining the here and now is the most difficult thing I've ever tried to do.
I'm reading a book on improvisational theater right now. Given my background in engineering and NASA and all things non-artistic you'd think this was a grand departure from my normal endeavors. You'd be right (except for that improv class I took last year). It really is a fascinating book though, pointing out what tends to be the more obvious points in life that we overlook because of what we've been taught. Namely, spontaneity is one of the greatest talents we possess. Truth is, everyone possesses it. We just tend to suppress it because of social anxiety, the fear of looking stupid, or the belief that anything outside the norm is unacceptable. The outcome, of course, is just a bunch of boring people following the herd that we call adulthood. I know, it's not really that simple. People express themselves in a variety of ways and no one is a closed up as this theory would have us believe. Still, I think we all have in us at least a small touch of doubt when it comes to fully opening ourselves up to people. I know I'm certainly guilty of that and that's really where I'm trying to go to with all this. I know who I am. I've had just about 30 years to figure that out. I like who I am and although I've never doubted who I was as a person I have had to figure out what it was about myself that made my who I am. I know that may sound silly but in a world full of uniformity and conformity it hasn't been easy to figure out why I never stand in with the pack. Because of this, because of not knowing where I fit in with the world I've had a difficult time expressing myself in a manner that would make sense to anyone. In a world with a million voices, how do I make mine heard?
I have a bizarre mind. My attention span is like that of a four year old child until I hit a certain point, a level of concentration, and then the world around me ceases to exist. Anyone who has seen me work knows that I can become incredibly focused and determined (a little too much sometimes). And I love to work. That's not to mean that I like to be at work. Those are two different things. Going to work is a means of making a living. It helps that I enjoy what I'm doing but given the option of working for a living or just receiving a paycheck for no reason, I'd probably choose the latter. Life fascinates me, along with all the ideas and gadgets and mysteries and problems that come with it. I say that because I'm also fascinated by solutions and ingenuity. Everything can be broken down into a problem with symptoms and ultimately a solution. Some problems are just a little more complicated than others. Given enough time, however, nothing has proven to be unsolvable. I realize how engineering-ish that sounds but I believe it to be absolutely true. This, of course, gets me into a lot of trouble in terms of settling on any one particularly thing to do with myself. There are so many! I have the hardest time focusing my brain on any one. I want to do this. I want to do that. I want to learn this. I want to try that. I'm very proud of my inquisitiveness but, really, a lot of the time I'd be happy to be able to focus on one thing that made me happy and go with that. The side effect of this is restlessness. There's never time to relax because there's always something else to do. Something else to think about. Something else to solve!
I put up my wish list not too long ago. It's not difficult to realize that the "things" I want are not things at all, but obstacles I'd like to overcome and ideas I'd like to investigate. Material possessions dropped from my interests a long time ago. In themselves, they are useless. I love my camera not because of its hardware, but because of what I can create from it. I can't imagine living without my iPod, not because of the "cool" factor, but because of all the emotions it provides me through the music stored within it. Things are things and emotions are emotions and it's a tragedy when the two aren't separated.
What gets me into trouble is not a lack of determination but the fact that people aren't problems to be solved. I know how incredibly obvious that is but it's a paradigm that my brain doesn't readily admit. I ask a lot of questions but I like getting to the bottom of things. People have no "bottom". They are who they are. Getting to know someone is exactly that and shouldn't be used as a front to analyze their brains. I'm always looking to explain and, as a result, I can sometimes miss the person that I'm trying to connect with. It's something I'd like to change and improve upon. Perhaps if I thought of it as an obstacle to overcome, I could reason out the cause and come up with a solution. Or I could just shut my brain off and be. Not think. Just be.
Sounds like something to figure out to me.
Crap. I've been awake since 3. This never happens. I can usually fall asleep within minutes and not stop until my f'in alarm wakes me up in the morning (no doubt I could sleep a few more hours longer). Not tonight. Nope. I fell asleep around 9:30 on my couch, woke up a half an hour later to relocate to my bed and only managed to squeak another four hours of sleep. I hate nights like this. It's going to be a long, tired Friday.
I seem to have a lot on my mind tonight. A matter of personal reflection. It was another one of those "what makes me me" moments that have always had a tendency to crawl in my head and grab hold of the part of my brain which prevents me from sleeping and enjoying myself in general. Knowing who I am shouldn't be this difficult. I know who I don't want to be and I know who I would like to be in the future, but defining the here and now is the most difficult thing I've ever tried to do.
I'm reading a book on improvisational theater right now. Given my background in engineering and NASA and all things non-artistic you'd think this was a grand departure from my normal endeavors. You'd be right (except for that improv class I took last year). It really is a fascinating book though, pointing out what tends to be the more obvious points in life that we overlook because of what we've been taught. Namely, spontaneity is one of the greatest talents we possess. Truth is, everyone possesses it. We just tend to suppress it because of social anxiety, the fear of looking stupid, or the belief that anything outside the norm is unacceptable. The outcome, of course, is just a bunch of boring people following the herd that we call adulthood. I know, it's not really that simple. People express themselves in a variety of ways and no one is a closed up as this theory would have us believe. Still, I think we all have in us at least a small touch of doubt when it comes to fully opening ourselves up to people. I know I'm certainly guilty of that and that's really where I'm trying to go to with all this. I know who I am. I've had just about 30 years to figure that out. I like who I am and although I've never doubted who I was as a person I have had to figure out what it was about myself that made my who I am. I know that may sound silly but in a world full of uniformity and conformity it hasn't been easy to figure out why I never stand in with the pack. Because of this, because of not knowing where I fit in with the world I've had a difficult time expressing myself in a manner that would make sense to anyone. In a world with a million voices, how do I make mine heard?
I have a bizarre mind. My attention span is like that of a four year old child until I hit a certain point, a level of concentration, and then the world around me ceases to exist. Anyone who has seen me work knows that I can become incredibly focused and determined (a little too much sometimes). And I love to work. That's not to mean that I like to be at work. Those are two different things. Going to work is a means of making a living. It helps that I enjoy what I'm doing but given the option of working for a living or just receiving a paycheck for no reason, I'd probably choose the latter. Life fascinates me, along with all the ideas and gadgets and mysteries and problems that come with it. I say that because I'm also fascinated by solutions and ingenuity. Everything can be broken down into a problem with symptoms and ultimately a solution. Some problems are just a little more complicated than others. Given enough time, however, nothing has proven to be unsolvable. I realize how engineering-ish that sounds but I believe it to be absolutely true. This, of course, gets me into a lot of trouble in terms of settling on any one particularly thing to do with myself. There are so many! I have the hardest time focusing my brain on any one. I want to do this. I want to do that. I want to learn this. I want to try that. I'm very proud of my inquisitiveness but, really, a lot of the time I'd be happy to be able to focus on one thing that made me happy and go with that. The side effect of this is restlessness. There's never time to relax because there's always something else to do. Something else to think about. Something else to solve!
I put up my wish list not too long ago. It's not difficult to realize that the "things" I want are not things at all, but obstacles I'd like to overcome and ideas I'd like to investigate. Material possessions dropped from my interests a long time ago. In themselves, they are useless. I love my camera not because of its hardware, but because of what I can create from it. I can't imagine living without my iPod, not because of the "cool" factor, but because of all the emotions it provides me through the music stored within it. Things are things and emotions are emotions and it's a tragedy when the two aren't separated.
What gets me into trouble is not a lack of determination but the fact that people aren't problems to be solved. I know how incredibly obvious that is but it's a paradigm that my brain doesn't readily admit. I ask a lot of questions but I like getting to the bottom of things. People have no "bottom". They are who they are. Getting to know someone is exactly that and shouldn't be used as a front to analyze their brains. I'm always looking to explain and, as a result, I can sometimes miss the person that I'm trying to connect with. It's something I'd like to change and improve upon. Perhaps if I thought of it as an obstacle to overcome, I could reason out the cause and come up with a solution. Or I could just shut my brain off and be. Not think. Just be.
Sounds like something to figure out to me.
posted by The Rube at Friday, November 09, 2007
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